It's been a while

Hello all. Sorry, it's been a long time since I've written. I could come up with a bunch of excuses, but rather, I'll just sum up my recent events.
My husband, T, didn't get re-contracted as a music teacher. It was scary b/c we just weren't sure where God would take us then. He recently has gotten a job here in GA at the Geico center and he is loving it so far. It's exciting to see him tackle on something new- I see something new in him now, in his spirit. I can't really explain it, but it's exciting all the same.
I'm working 2 jobs- Dressbarn and Bath and Body Works. I really like BBW but they don't work me often- like 3-9 hours a week. (usually it's 3 hours a week, plus 4-7 more if we have a floorset) However, I got a phone call from my manager and I got an interview today (I guess it is "today" now!) for a semi-management type position- CSL. I'm excited about it! I've been working about 20 at DB which might have to be lessened if I get the new position.

I had lost about 30-35 pounds by our wedding (almost exactly a year ago! Already!) and I've gained it back. It's really bothering me- I gotta lose it again, or it just might kill me! My biggest thing has been foot pain in my right foot. With all the standing and walking and stuff at work, I'm in serious pain with my foot right now. I feel it's a weight issue.... though I will be making a chiropractor appointment soon to see if there are any issues he/she can see. I'm really bummed emotionally about the weight gain, but even more so physically. My menstrual cycle is all screwed up- it's about 40 days long (which is normal for me) but now I'm not ovulating. I bleed, but no ovulation (I can tell by my NFP charting- temp changes and mucus observations.)

I can't believe we have been married a year this weekend! T has planned a surprise weekend which I'm excited about, although I am working Sat and Sun (morning Sat and closing Sun) so it won't be as long as we had hoped.

I have been very stressed about many things. I've been skipping church more often (which isn't helping, I know!) and... I dunno. I've been awake for a hour plus already (and it's 5:30am!)  b/c I woke up to go to the bathroom and now just can't sleep. I hope things improve soon!

catching up

Hey all! It's been a while, no?

Things are going alright here. Spring feels like it's starting to roll in, but it's early. I expect another frost before spring hits us. We got a second dog (it's a story). He is a dachshund. He is not neutered- the humping thing went away after 3 or so days, so we haven't decided on if/when.

So the two pups play well together- things are pretty peaceful. I'm still soul searching, but not stressing like I was. I am wanting to work on weight loss, but I see a long, painful journey ahead. Why do I fear weight loss? I think I fear the confidence I'll have if I do lose it.

Raw foods

Is anyone on a raw foods diet? I'm learning a little bit about it, and thought I'd ask around. Basically, it's about eating natural foods whole (or juiced, but not processed) without heating them (heating kills nutrition). Organic is obviously the preferred.

weight

I know I complain about this a lot... I was looking at pictures of me on FB and untagged myself from a bunch of them. I hate how I look. Sometime I look huge ,swollen... but then another picture from a week or two later I look normal- my stomach area is big, but my face and stuff are disgusting. I wonder why I look like that sometimes.

The hardest thing for me is my mental image of myself is NOT huge. When I dream, I see size 12 Lori from high school. So when I look at pictures, it always suprises and upsets me.

So, I need to work on this battle again. I'm honest. I tell numbers.
I started at 242 at my highest. I got stuck at 223 for a long time. I took slim x-treme diet pills over the summer of 2010 before my wedding and I dropped to 208 right before the wedding (July 31.) I'm already back at 222. It makes me sad. I quit working out b/c I hated my trainer. I quit the pills and started overeating. (It's an appetite suppressant.)

I don't eat horrible. I mean, I ate a lot of sweets over the holidays, which I attribute my weight gain to. I also quit drinking water and drank more soda.

So I'm off the soda. I'm cutting the sugars down significantly. I need to cut the portion sizes.


I feel so alone doing this. T will, to help me, but I wish he wanted it.

Things on my mind

I've gotten into this (annoying) habit of waking up at 4:30 to go to the bathroom, and then not falling back asleep! I want my last 2 hours of sleep, darn it! ;-)

Anyways, I believe I have mentioned it before, my husband and I are "not preventing, but not trying" for a baby. There IS a chance this month, and it's driving me crazy because I want to know. It's only 8 days after ovulation, and I should wait for at least 10-11 to take a test. I'm also trying to convince myself to wait and see if I miss a period or not--> I mean, I can't start writing a pregnancy test into my monthly budget :P that just seems silly. Now I'm noticing signs (some people call them 'symptoms' which I avoid, as it implied an illness!) and I don't know if I am 'making them up' because I want to be, or if it's possible... it's hard to imagine it could be possible!!!!

I've been questioning things about the church a lot lately. Not a bad thing alone, but it's odd that suddenly I'm so defensive and confused about things that never bothered me.... the devil at work? Or me just being a little concerned--> I don't throw myself into faith- and whenever I do, I always end up questioning and doubting things. I've turned very conservative in the past year and maybe I resent it a little....which leads me to my next thought.

I was doing well losing weight, the few months before the wedding. I got myself together and just did it. And after the wedding I dropped doing it. Now I need to pick it up, and it's so difficult! I guess part of me doesn't want to- I don't want to give up pizza and coffee and cheese! And I want to lose weight for when I have kids--> I don't want to be a bad example. And as silly as it is, I want people to be able to tell  I am pregnant by looking at me- not just fat! I don't want to be pregnant but just look fat.
Of course, I may be stuck here. 0.0 If I am. Which I don't know.

Anyways, these are the things on my mind today. Any words of wisdom?

After a long weekend

Hey everyone. I hope all is well.

This was a long weekend for us- T took Friday off work and we drove to AL for my granddaddy's funeral. I had never been to a burial/funeral where there was a wake- just memorial services for the cremated. It was weird, to see him lying there... it didn't look like him to me. It was difficult. My dad did the eulogy and he did a great job- he had people send him their memories of granddaddy and it was fun to be reminded of him before he was ill.

I got to meet a bunch of my step-family that I had never met, or only met once. I made many new "friends" with family and I hope to get to know them better as the years come.

Today, I meet with my personal trainer at 9:30. It is currently 8am and I'm trying to get the excitement to commit. He wants me to be super excited, many goals at once... he is "tough love" about it all. It works for me (sometimes) if I feel the person cares if I lose weight or not- but right now it's just difficult. I want to commit. I want to be able to do it. I want to want to do it. Heh. What music do you listen to while working out? What motivates you? I want to know what others do.

 I got a lot on my mind, and I may write later about some of the other things.

Weight loss and goal setting

I haven't talked about weight loss on here much, but it's something I've been dealing/struggling with for a long time now. I started at 240 (I'm not afraid of talking about numbers... *shrug*) I went wedding dress shopping at around 222. At my wedding I was 208- I actually lost enough where my dress was almost too big! That was a nice surprise.

Anyways, I have a gym membership and I meet with a trainer 3X/month. During July and August I quit going- I was out of town, wedding planning, and he was getting married the week after me. So the past couple of weeks we picked up working out again- now he has gotten a "real" job and so I'm switching to a new guy named Michael. I'm a little nervous. I'm up to 214 as of this morning. I'm hoping a little of it is muscle gain, but I know I have been overeating again. I was (when I lost the 222--> 208) taking a pill called Slim Xtreme. I normally do NOT advocate diet pills. This is all natural (no caffeine). It's mostly an appetite suppressant. It is 1 pill/day and it starts working immediately! Taking that plus eating healthy, you can easily lose 10-20 pounds in the first month.

Most of my husband's aunts were on it and having great results, so I tried it out. I just kinda stopped around the wedding. So I'm picking that back up too. I know his aunts are very particular- I think 3 of them took it to their doctors to get it okayed as not going to give problems... once again, all natural. One even looked at it under a microscope. All good there!

Anyways, I trust it pretty well, and it works. I just need to work on the whole eating healthier thing. I need to eat much less in carbs, and eat more fruits and veggies. I don't know why this is so hard for me! It's something I need to work on. I know that if I want children in the near future, I need to be healthy and in healthy eating habits for the baby.